icon of a goddess

I have to make a decision! He said

Ok, what is it? I replied, instantly.

There was silence, long silence, I could not even hear him breathing! He sat with his head in his hands, his fingers went through his dark black hear that had some silver lining. I was not sure what to say, how I could prompt him to say something? Eventually, he broke the awkward silence:

I say to myself this is wrong, this is not what I want, she is not what I hoped for. I start listing the things I really do not like about her, making stuff up, criticising her hair, her height, the way she talks, the way she walks, and many other meaningless details, I list them all and convince myself that she is not right for me. Then I start listing my own faults and how I won’t be a match for her till I convince myself that this will not work, I feel sad but relieved. I gather my strength, box my heart, and walk that long lonely road, I see her from a mile way, the spark in her eyes makes me forget all the things I listed, suddenly all I see is a goddess worthy of love and worship!

                                                                      

I could hear the tears in his voice, it is hard for a man like him to look weak, and now he is crying! I asked:

So do you love her or what?

 

He lifted his head, looked at me and smiled:

What is love? is it reciting all poetry and prayers in one word; her name? Is it seeing my past and present every time she calls my name? I do not know what love is, I have never been in love, but I know that when I look at her eyes I see two green forests in the shade of the moon, her hair is a holy river that runs down her back and my hands can only be saved if baptised in it. Her smile lightens my day and night, makes me forget all my worries and send me far away day dreaming. Every time I close my eyes I see her face, I raise my shivering hands to hold her pretty face and as I get electrified by the magic of her beauty the earth stops spinning, the wind stop blowing and life and death join hands to watch the scene! Is this love?

 

I could not find the words to respond, I looked into his eyes and said:

You are mad, all this love and you want to walk away?

 

Big sigh, felt like he exhaled 1000s of years in one breathe, stood up, put his forehead on the wall as if he was looking for a crack to get through it to the other side and said:

What is the point of all of that if she does not know!

 

 What? All this and she does not know? I said mixing anger with sarcasm.

 

Yes, she does not know, she thinks I am just a nice guy! That’s why I keep trying to convince myself that it won’t work, because I fear failure, I fear rejection, her rejection. so I rather die of the pain of losing her than living realizing that she did not want to be with me, to share me, to love me!

 

I looked at my watch and realized that I spent more time than I planned to, I made up an excuse, muttered some supportive meaningless words and left. I sat in my car and instantly felt the warmth of my tears on my face, I felt sorry for him, and for his so-called love, how can he hold all this love inside him? The feeling he  holds for her is a blessing for anyone to be loved in that way, but yet he cannot share it with anyone, he cannot live it, enjoy it, for him it is a curse! Some people cannot find love, some do not deserve it, and many do not know how to express it. And then you have those few who Cupid succeeds in touching their hearts but they remain alone, like my friend, whom love is a story, painful to live, painful to express, but a joy to read.

Ahmad Baker